“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” Colossians 3:18.

“Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.” Colossians 3:19.

Well gentlemen, we do have problem, what if one does not love their wife?

Many men have married because they had to, and did the right thing; I commend them, but that does not alter the problem. Read the verse above again, notice that it is not a request, it is a command.

In the movie “Heartbreak Ridge”, a story about a marine gunnery sergeant (Clint Eastwood) who faces many obstacles as he trains men and then eventually takes part in the invasion of Grenada in October of 1983.

When he is asked by someone how they surmounted a given problem he would say, “We adapted and overcame.” This is what men do.

Regardless of the circumstances leading up to your marriage one fact remains for the Christian, you are in it for life, with one possible exception.

“But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.” Matthew 5:32.

Regarding the above, a friend of mine read this verse and called me for advice. His problem was that he was a Christian and in ignorance he married a woman who had been divorced, what should he do?

My reply was that they (she was concerned too) did this in ignorance, and that they should confess it to God as sin and go on with their lives.

In the Old Testament there were also sacrifices for sins committed in ignorance indicating that God recognized human frailties and made a way to atone for them.

Jesus is the end of the law and His blood covers sins like this; though they should be confessed as soon as they are recognized as sin.

So then the adapting part is for a man to accept that fact, rather than to keep thinking that perhaps he will divorce his wife someday and find true happiness with another woman.

“But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?” 1 Corinthians 7:12-16.

“…otherwise your children would be unclean…” consider that before you go out looking for greener pastures.

Acceptance keeps a husband focused on making a marriage work, rather than spending his whole life thinking of what could be, might have been, or worse yet entering an adulterous relationship.

I have found that acceptance of a given situation is often what God wanted me to do from the beginning of a trial. I am not referring just to marriage here; I am referring to any trial whether at work, domestic, or health.

Often when we have money problems, are passed over for a well deserved promotion at work more than once, hate the neighborhood we live in, or a myriad of other problems that have us praying, pleading, fasting, or banging our head against the wall; all God wanted was for us to trust Him with our life and circumstances.

If this is where you are at, and nothing else has worked, try this, and it has to be from your heart, “God, I trust you with my life, and if you want me to be in this situation for the rest of my life, I accept that.”

You may find your circumstances will change. If not, you will have at least accepted the problem and stopped fretting about something only God can change. Do this with your marriage and move on to the next hurdle, “…love your wives.”

Not only is this a command to love your wife, it is a very tall order.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it…” Ephesians 5:25.

“So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.” Ephesians 5:28-29.

If you will, read all of Ephesians chapter 5 for context and more important information.

We are to love our wives as much as Christ loved the church, and He gave His life for her.

This would mean that we too must die to ourselves and embrace our wife, turning away from the often unrealistic expectations we may have had about marriage. Again you can see the need for acceptance of a situation.

The second verse above, Ephesians 5:28-29 tells us to love our wives as our own bodies. This is a bit more graphic and perhaps easier to understand.

How do you cherish your own body, with nice clothes, good food, dinners out, entertainment, a comfortable chair, gathering with your friends, keep from being lonely, and, or careful watch over your health?

Does your wife have nice clothing is there enough food in the house, does she like go out to eat occasionally, concerning entertainment, do you consider her?

Do you always go where you want to go on vacation, see the things you want to see, go home when you want to go home?

It is not wrong to gather with your friends for something like a football game occasionally, but does she feel free to have her friends over when she likes. Or do you object to having a gathering of noisy hens in your house?

Do you tend to keep her isolated? Ask yourself why? Do you hang out with your friends after work or on weekends while she stays at home alone? Are you sarcastic and dismissive to her?

Do you encourage her and go to church with her?

A man may not be guilty of all of these things, but many of us are of some of them.

This is what it is to love our wives as our own bodies and as much as Christ loved the church.

If the Holy Spirit showed you some things from the list above and you change the way you treat your wife, you will notice a change in her in time.

While it is best to let sleeping dogs lie; if you apologize for some of the more hurtful things you have done and not apologized for, it may go a long way toward healing what may be a broken relationship.

Oftentimes a husband or wife will confess something awful to their spouse knowing full well that the cruelty of what they confess will completely destroy them.

The offender will say it was just something they had to get off their chest. No, they are not conscience stricken; this is vicious and certainly not done in love.

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself [bragging], is not puffed up [arrogant], does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

The things that are best not brought up confess to God as sin and ask for help in carrying out His word.

The last phrase in our husbands love your wives verse is, “…and do not be bitter toward them.” This is really a marriage killer because women can be demanding, contrary and manipulative.

Often families are in extreme debt because the wife cannot control herself with a credit card. This is when the husband should either endure debt or cut them up, this will not happen peacefully.

Extravagance is not the only thing husbands may have to deal with.

There are many women today who have been molested or otherwise had a miserable childhood which is caused by the destruction of the family unit.

Drug addled hippie mothers, self-centered absent fathers or a non-existent family life with several fathers running through the series of homes they lived in during their childhood guarantees chaos.

All this adds up to a time in their adulthood, Christian or not, when they go completely off the rails. Guess who gets to clean up the mess?

So yes, it is easy to become embittered with the wife, in no time, especially when a nice woman suddenly changes into something else.

However, we are told here not to be bitter towards them. There is no easy answer to the question of how not to be bitter. But one thing is sure, always begin with prayer.

When you pray always ask for strength to endure, for love for your wife, especially for love, and understanding of what brought her to this point in her life to begin with. Ask for her to remember her love for you, and ask for her healing and comfort.

You will also do well to pray that God shows you and corrects in you anything that may be causing her to act in this manner; or what is causing her to react to you.

It is possible, after all, that you are a cause of some of the problems, consider this carefully. Boys have grown up in some awful families too.

Examine yourself unsparingly, are you angry, mean spirited, short tempered, combative, distant, cold, vengeful, self-righteous, always right among other things.

All of us have to raise our hand to some of this, but if you find that any of these define your life, then you need to take it to the Lord in prayer asking for deliverance from it.

“Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed. Pursue peace with all men, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking diligently lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled…” Hebrews 12:12-15.

“Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Ephesians 5:33.

Before we leave the subject of love and respect and go on to the next post, let us examine one last aspect of this balance between husband and wife.

“But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” 1 Corinthians 11:3.

Too often men look at their wives and resent them for not being more submissive and forget that it is their own duty to be in submission to Christ. This is a balanced order, it is not like Islam where the man is everything and the woman is chattel, little more than a slave.

God is not a respecter of persons; all receive the same consideration in His sight male or female. It is men who think that they are somehow above it all and go through life thinking that submission and respect should come to them automatically. But not in God’s sight.

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it? I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings.” Jeremiah 17:9-10.

“You are great in counsel and mighty in work, for your eyes are open to all the ways of the sons of men, to give everyone according to his ways and according to the fruit of his doings.” Jeremiah 32:19.

Men, what do you want God to give you according to your ways and according to the fruit of your doings?

“Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.” Galatians 6:7.

Christ is your head, follow Him. This applies to you ladies too.

Colossians 3:19 taken from godisrevealed.com posted on 3-14-14, updated on 5-22-20.

Scripture taken from the New King James Version, copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission, all rights reserved.