Congratulations on your becoming a church elder. May I share something? It has occurred to me that elders may often be tasked with counseling troubled married couples. So, here are some things that God has laid out concerning marriage.
These are not suggestions, and though you and I and the rest of Christendom do not follow them to perfection it does not stop them from being sin if we ignore them.
“If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:8-9.
“Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:29-32.
“Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.” Ephesians 4:26-27.
I remember your brother’s speech at your wedding which turned out to be quite precious. In it were the words, “…do not let the sun go down on your wrath”, something from his heart to yours, advice that is good for every married couple.
“Be angry, and do not sin” how is that even possible?
Ephesians four earlier called anger a sin, here we are told its okay. Sinful anger is unreasonable anger that wells up from some perceived slight or the like and spills over into vengeful actions, words or going home and kicking the dog when he comes to greet you.
Unreasonable, sinful anger destroys the one who harbors it in their heart and ruins friendships and relationships – it is deadly.
“Be angry, and do not sin”. An example of this might be someone is spreading lies about you in church, a sinful reaction might be to spread lies about them. A way of not sinning is to face them and call them on it. If they will not stop, bring them before the elders of the church to settle the matter.
“…do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.” The meaning of the word wrath here is to be angry with yourself. One must take wrath like this confess it to God and leave it at His feet.
This anger at oneself must be given to God and left with Him if the person with such self-anger truly wants peace, otherwise it will flood over on to others, often our loved ones.
“…do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.” Holding on to such wrath gives the devil a foothold to continue tormenting a Christian until they give up following the Lord as closely or at all.
The world is full of fallen Christians who held on to their anger rather than seeking Jesus with all their hearts.
“Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.” Colossians 3:19.
When comparing the words, “Husbands, love your wives…” with other similar passages shows us that this is not a request, but a command.
Likewise, the words, “do not be bitter toward them” mean what they say and carry us back to the admonition, “do not let the sun go down on your wrath”.
By saying this though God indicates that a wife can sometimes do things that will be frustrating; anger, bitterness and lashing out are not options.
Stuffing your feelings is not healthy so, if possible, a quiet discussion may change her heart. But be aware that some of the reasons for a wife to be obtuse may be caused by your own attitudes or habits, be open to honest criticism, honest discussion is not based on who wins the argument.
If you must fight, both of you must fight to rid yourselves of the barriers that keep you from having a pleasant marriage. This may even mean going to a Christian marriage counselor. Both of you, apart, or together need to take it to the Lord in prayer, many times if need be.
A husband who rants, “I am the head of this house and what I say goes blah, blah, blah!” has no concept of proper leadership in the home, they are just childish.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’” Ephesians 5:25-31.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her”. Again, we have the command that husbands are to love their wives.
Yet here it is made stronger by the words, “just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her”. Can anyone measure the depth of the love Jesus has for His bride, the church, husbands are urged to strive to have such love for their wives.
“So, husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.” Love is not just a dream come true, often it is a struggle.
“For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’” Genesis 2:24.
This quote from Genesis 2:24 is the same today as it was in the Garden of Eden because in God’s eyes a man and a woman are one flesh and they both should endeavor to live in peace as one heart.
“Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.” 1 Peter 3:7.
“Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel”, men must honor their wives.
Remember all the things she has done, carrying your children, feeding them, nurturing them, as well as all the many things she does to make a home for her family.
Men do not do all the work; women do the things which are often not recognized. For the most part men do not need a pat on the back for doing their job at work, but women often need recognition for their hard work. Do not minimize this.
Husbands are the only ones who see all the things their wives do, such as shopping, cleaning, making their favorite dessert or just creating a pleasant place to come home to.
It blesses a woman when she is recognized for the things she has done and especially things which are over and above what one might expect.
“Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel”, see this, here is a statement which is not made by some male chauvinist pig, but by our loving Creator God.
God who created us is saying that wives are the weaker vessel, expect this and understand it when you see it in your wife.
Men are not to make fun of women when they make an error. Hurtful ridicule and despising them when they panic, become ill or freeze up when making decisions, this is sadism and not fitting for a husband to do. Situations like this require a comforter not a bully.
Men are not only to give honor to the wife “as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life”, husbands and wives are one flesh and as such are co-heirs to the grace of life.
And finally, the worst punishment for a husband who treats his wife badly, “…as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.” 1 Peter 3:7b. Often a husband will wonder why God does not seem to hear his prayers. Some advice, see how you treat your wife.
God bless you son; I love you dearly Dad.
Dear Son taken from godisrevealed.com posted on 1-31-26. ck
Scripture taken from the New King James Version, Copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission, all rights reserved.